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That I am an alpha personality is in no doubt. Even as a child, other kids would often look to me to take control during games and I understand this not as some insecurity that drives me to boss others about, merely a natural personality trait and it sits easily with me. Does this make me Dominant?
Like many relational comments, defining Dominance often depends on who the observer is. I don't define myself normally as "white" except in relational comments where other people are described as black. Amongst other Welsh people, it doesn't occur to me to express the fact that I am Welsh as a matter of course.
So, back to Dominance. I have come to the conclusion that it is only in the context of either other Dominants or other submissives, that this clarification is necessary. The rest of the world doesn't care and doesn't really understand the further reaches of power exchange.Taking this to its logical conclusion, actually I am only Dominant in the context of my submissive. I find the thought of another man's intimate worship rather creepy and unwelcome - as intrusive as an unwanted pet name. I expect respectful behaviour of course as is only right in a civilised society and I do always respond well to chivalrous behaviour and attentive good manners. I don't see that as any feature of my Dominance though.
Over the last few years, I have come to understand that my Dominance has a particular personal flavour to it. When first researching this area, the first thing you see is the porn version of a cruel, cold ice bitch Domme and a cringing worm of a submissive. Unsmiling and unfeeling, she doles out punishment for no other reason than amusement and the submissive passively accepts her ire. Obviously porn operates on the simplest of models, untroubled by the shades of grey that operate in the complex, highly negotiated world of human relationships and above scenario might work in role play but seems ridiculousand unworkable in the cold light of the real world.
Although my alpha personality complements my Domme side, all it provides really is the confidence to experiment and question. It's clear to me that submission doesn't do it for me but my alpha personality would probably allow me to play in this way, even if only confined to the bedroom. In earlier posts I've written about core truths that drive us and mine is my need to retain distance, keep people out and for even the closest people remain in the outer corridors- safe at a distance. Most of my life, this has translated as cool distance and sometimes defensiveness when I feel under attack. Intellect, experience and maturity have all helped to bring perspective and balance to cover my vulnerabilities so that they are not so apparent (and therefore unavailable for manipulation). What is lacking in a "traditional" D/s exchange (if such a beast exists) is my need to control other people. I absolutely don't need to reach over to control others, just their impact on / access to me. My hub craves my control of him as part of his submission and often I feel I am failing because his transgressions actually make me coldly withdraw rather than punish. The worst aspect of this is that I do not operate on some passive, agrgressive need to make him come and follow me and draw me back out to prove his love and devotion- it is proper, genuine disengagement.
It is a journey, that much is obvious but more communication is needed I think. In the past I have resentfully kicked out against what I feel is nagging, control and general bossiness- then withdrawn into my safe zones. What I need to do is to re enforce my own interpretations more clearly if I want to design the submission that best fits into my very own brand of Dominance or we risk complete break down of the dynamic - and that would be a wasted opportunity to intelligently control the most important relationship in my life.